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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Deepsky's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, December 31st, 2013
11:16 pm
Standing on the edge of 2013.
Wow.

2013...

How did we get here so fast!


I originally logged on with intentions of writing some super in depth and philosophical cliché account of how I have changed and grown over the last year or so, but I've come to realise that things always change, and as a person you HAVE to grow and adapt with them or find yourself trailing behind in a pit of despair and lonely, bitter reminiscence of 'the good old days' and how things were and hanging onto those memories like there would never be anything as profound as them again in the future.

I think my biggest achievement this year is finally realising this and letting go of the past and realising that theres a whole world of infinite possibilities out there to explore and grasp, and the only way to do that is by letting go and moving forward and trying new things, meeting new people and opening my mind to possibilities previously not even conceived.

as a result of this this I think I am finally going to leave this blog to lie, even though I rarely update it anymore.
I am going to leave it as it is a relic of a period of my life that is now over - a time that will be fondly remembered but is by no means the pinnacle of my life.
But also as a testament to how I've grown over the last 12 or 14 years into my own person, a person with confidence, drive, ambition and a sense of purpose within the world.

Here's to a wonderful year, a wonderful life and a wonderful future filled with endless possibilities at my disposal!


Happy New Year :)
Monday, December 31st, 2012
11:19 pm
Wistful contemplation.
Aaah 2013 is nearly here.

Looking back at 2012 I, for once, am pleased. I'm pleased with my growth as an individual, mentally and also academically.
I defied all odds against me and even everyone's opinions that I would never make anything of myself.

Fuck them.


Normally right now I'd be spouting some sentimental crap about how I am going to miss 2012, but something I've come to realise over the years is you can't ever really miss anything. Everything we do, see or say stays with us for our very short lapse in this universe. It makes us who we are, it paves the way for the future and will echo on for eternity.
Everything in this universe is one, we are all energy and so is everything we do, everything we touch.
The key is to realise that and to use it to your advantage.

So whilst I could say I'm going to miss 2012, instead i am going to thank it for all the good times and for paving the way for another year which hopefully will be as productive :)


Rock on 2013!
Friday, November 16th, 2012
4:29 pm
All systems are GO!
Surprised I never followed up my last update after I finished college and what with recent events, but as they say - better late than never! :)

So basically, the college course was a huge success, I passed with tripple distinction which basically means my grades over the years I was there were consistently 100% which is a MASSIVE relief after the huge amount of work and effort put in, but I'm mostly grateful for the group that I was with as everyone wanted to be there and they were all a group of bright, willing individuals which was really lucky considering the state of the current groups that are there now and those of the past that I've heard about.
But enough dwelling on the past I say - I made it through with good grades and a massively boosted confidence and resumé and I can now thing about the present and future.

Currently, I have found employment with the National Trust at the property I've been volunteering at for the duration of my course which is a huge relief although the work is only temporary so I still have to be on my toes and ready to move on if needed but I've also started a small business in my spare time doing gardening and tree work which has been going alright and easily have the capacity to expan if needs must.

Truth be told, I've not really had a whole lot of time lately which is partially why I've not updated but also I've just grown tired of the internet. Over the years during times of unemployment and depressiong the internet was a welcome crutch to get me through but now I'm working and thinking of the future I'm growing further from it. I've wasted enough time idle on computers over the years for a lifetime - now it's time to get back out there and meet new people, something I can now do with a job and a source of income.
Going through previous posts of the last few years it's quite interesting to see quite how unhappy I was in myself - it's amazing how a college course and a job can solve alot of problems!

Although things are getting better I'm certainly not relaxing just yet. I need to ensure I have proper financial security before I start letting my guard down and currently am thinking to the future.
On which note, I'm seriously considering a BSc in Forestry or an environmental related course as I'm confident that that's where my long-term interest lies and my skill sets would be best applied.
I was going to consider applying around now, but seeing as I've got some work currently on the go I think I'll wait and see how the next few months pan out before I make any rash decisions.
After all, I can go to university or take part in an Open degree / long-distance course at any time.


Really though, I'm just finally glad to be able to post positive updates again and that things are starting to look up.


Oh, and whilst I'm at it... TWILIGHT!
Off to see Breaking Dawn pt. 2 tomorrow night with some new friends :)
Sunday, March 11th, 2012
2:11 am
The old and new
Sooo, it seems that I've been keeping up with my standards of sporadic blogging it seems, being over a year since the last one.
Things are still pretty samey really - still at college and nearing the end of my course. In fact, there's only really 2 months left until all work has to be in and not long after that before I will be leaving for pastures new...
Still unsure what I want to do or where I will ultimately end up but hey - a wise man once said it matters not about where you end up, it's how you get there that counts :)

Having said that though, I started college with the intention of just getting my head down and ploughing through without really engaging with anyone or creating and social ties as such, as was my whole mind set back then due to my depression and social issues - I figured that the two years would fly by and then we'd all go our own separate ways so what's the point in making friends just to then loose them when we leave.
Thankfully over the course of the last several years my mindset and social insecurities have somewhat been smoothed out and I've found myself getting on with a few of the people there and hope that we still keep contact after we leave which shouldn't be too difficult as there's not really huge distances between us. In any case, I think going back to college has been pretty beneficial, not just because of sorting out my social mindset but also because I've proved to myself that I am fully able to succeed within an academic environment, something I was always too afraid to try due to having a confidence complex where I was afraid to try new things in fear of failing... I couldn't have been more wrong though, I'm still on course for full distinction in all modules and hopefully I can continue the high standards through the next two months.
Pretty amazed really, I've found a whole side of me that I never knew existed, a side of me that strives to be better, a side that doesn't quit.
I guess I'm evolving.
It's just a shame that I couldn't have done this years ago.

It's a strange thing though, I will have left school exactly 10 years ago on the date of when I'm due to finish this course... It's strange how things have gone full circle and upside down, inside out and then back to what feels like normality within the last decade.
it's certainly been a bit of a rollercoaster ride - and it's not all been good either, there's been plenty of bad times but somehow even the bad times turned out well in the end.
With all my social and self-belief shortcomings I've gone through though, I've never waivered in my belief of the power of my mind.
I just had to realise how to use it to it's full potential.

And thinking of full potential, I'm even considering moving on at some point in the next several years to go to university to gain a Bsc degree in forestry & woodland management which would really open up some serious doors in my life.
It's really incredible to say that, let alone actually believe that I can realistically achieve it... If you'd have told me or anybody that knew me within the last 10 years before I started college that I would be considering or would be capable of doing a degree I doubt that there would anybody that would have believed it.
I have really changed THAT much and evolved so quickly over the last couple of years it's quite incredible.


I'm never going to stop believing.
Saturday, January 8th, 2011
2:37 am
New beginnings
Hmm, haven't posted for a while... Was meaning to post over the Christmas period but have been having trouble finding the time and the thoughts.
My mind is in a state of turmoil currently with all the things going on in my life at the moment.
Changes. Big changes.

Normally I'd be writing some crap about the past or the 'old days' but I've come to the conclusion that no matter what I write or how I write it I'll never get those days back. I keep writing about my past experiences under the false pretenses that I'll somehow be able to feel them again and hark back to younger days.
I've always been really sentimental though and I think I've come to realise that in some ways that it's my undoing in some respects.
And yes, whilst it's true that I've done some pretty amazing things, been to some pretty amazing places and felt some incredible feelings, writing about them won't make me younger or bring those amazing things back.
I think most of it was that I had a pretty boring childhood and upbringing so during my latter teenage and early 20's I tried to make up for it by doing amazing things and for me, that was my youth and I didn't want to let go... I still don't, but I've come to realise that there's greater things ahead for me and I can't keep wallowing in the past, although reflecting upon one's achievements and past activities is healthy, in moderation, trying to live in the past is potentially damaging to the future.

The last year for me has been an ultimately profound ordeal where ALOT has changed. I've gone from being unemployed and chronically depressed to getting myself in college and being a fully motivated individual.
Currently at Easton college studying countryside management and conservation which entails everything from basic agriculture to botany, plant sciences, soil science, ecology, habitat management (wetlands, grasslands, forests, woods e.t.c) and basic skills such as machinery operation.
So what changed?
I'm still unsure of that but during my depression every day and every night i used to just sit and think about the past, present and future and kept trying to see where my life was going but then had a stark realisation that I was nearly 25 and had no job, no prospects or future and no money. This realisation kept growing until one profound moment when I just got up and went straight on the internet and started searching through all the local college's prospectuses. What made me choose my current course I don't know but it seems... it FEELS right. I think i've finally found my calling after being lost for so long.
And now that I have something to look forward to and to work towards I've taken inventory of my life and adjustments that I needed to make.
The first of which was to stop dwelling in the past for although we learn from the lesson of the past, ultimately it is the actions we make in the future that define us and who we are so now I look to the future working my way ahead with confidence and faith that where I am heading will take me to new and happy destinations.
At the moment I'm doing well at college and am enjoying it and am even thinking of further education, perhaps university afterwards although that is still two years away yet.
Although, saying that, the last four months have FLOWN by.

Seems only a short time ago I was at Glastonbury. What a festival. the 2010 40'th anniversary festival and oh my God, what an experience! Easily one of my biggest life changing experiences... Not sure if I can quantify or articulate just how yet though...
funny actually, I was looking through the photos I took of the festival a little while ago. Such a beautiful week of my life. It's just so pleasant to be with 300,000 other people who all share the same mindset and goals in life. Everyone is on the same level and just wants to be without all the bullshit of modern life... No media, no prejudice, no stereotypes or inhibitions. Everyone is just there for one reason... To celebrate life and to just BE. We are human BEings after all.
I just want to BE.

But yeah, so basically gone from being a totally manic depressive wreck with no jobs, future or prospects to recieving a profound realisation and now have great plans ahead!
Loving life at the moment, college is great and am volunteering at Felbrigg Hall - a beautiful 17'th century stately home with vast surroundings. Love just working outside in the great outdoors...

I think all my life I've been working up to this in some way or another... Gone from getting introduced into paganism as a teenager then getting into the rave scene with people with similar views and ethics to ending up becoming friends with people who are all into self sustinance and self reliance, detaching themselves from the government and 'society' and living on their own in their own private woods surrounded by nature. Now I'm taking up conservation and countryside management and am also too seeking a more natural life.
I think it's definately the way forward, we're so disconnected with what's real, important and necessary in life these days shut off in our little houses with tv's radio's and the internet. Working at Felbrigg and in their wonderous surroundings has made me realise just how beautiful the world is and how much that people these days take or granted or just ignore.
For instance, a sunrise... A bird song, a droplet of rain on a leaf, a blossoming flower a forest or wood in autumn, the wind blowing gently against your skin...
All simple things yet are still incredibly beautiful and intricate when looked at.

There's so many beautiful things in the world that people just take for granted or are just too ignorant to notice. Recently I've been seeing things in a totally different way... I used to always appreciate the world and nature but recently with college I've been looking deeper into things and into the inner workings of the great lord of all, mother nature... Seeing things in a way that I never knew possible and am completely taken over with how intricate and delicate the whole way everything works and is connected. Has made me realise not just my own worth but the worth of everything else around me and just how important it is for us all to do our own part in caring for that of which we are a part of.

At the end of the day we are all one and come from the same place. I just wish people could see the world this way and understand it better... For all the bad in the world there is still a greater amount of beauty and it is all around us every day from every sunrise to every sunset, every bird or butterfly, every raindrop or shooting star. All everyday mundane things but look closer... Look deeper and open your mind and you will see an amazing world. And amazing world of dependance and co-existance. Our own world is no different... We require dependance and co-existance if we are to be successful and continue into a new age as a single race.


With every new day is a chance.
A chance to turn it all around.
A chance to right the wrongs.
A chance to do those things that matter.
A chance to tell someone you love them no matter what.
A chance... A chance to make a difference.
What difference can you make?

Personally I can't wait to make a difference, it is what I am striving for. It is giving my life purpose which surely, is the greatest thing anyone can have in their life?
Thursday, December 10th, 2009
1:51 pm
I haven't posted on here for a very, very long while so I thought I'd make one since we're coming up to the end of a significant decade in my life and I thought I'd end it on here where it all started.
I started this blog back in 2001-2002 when I was in my last years at school, and although I haven't used it all that much it's been there through some of my most significant times so I thought it would be a fitting place to do this.

Firstly, I'm not really a blogger as such. I'm a recluse. I'm one of those people that shows little or no emotion on the outside whatsoever for fear that people will get to know me and learn what makes me tick. Because of this I keep my emotions and feelings switched off, hidden and buried and I often have a hard time writing what I mean or feel but the last decade has been so utterly profound that it's hard NOT to write what I feel.

I suppose I'd better start it how most things start... At the beginning.
At the beginning with the little shy boy in the corner at school. Back then I was a dreamer. I used to just sit in class with my head in the clouds imagining where I'd be in ten or twenty years time. Who I'd be, what I'd be doing. I had little time for friends and I never really saw the value in them. I've always been very self reliant and my own company although I had a few people who I used to hang out with but never really became close.
A ghost I guess you could call me. I just used to float around. The person that never gets noticed or never attracts attention and I liked it that way. I've never liked questions or people prying. You could say I'm a closed book, or as one of my old teachers put it; "Richard is somewhat of an enigma."
Life was simple back then and somehow better. The innocence of youth I guess.
I drifted through school with reasonable success and ended up in college at C.I.T.B doing a plant mechanics course. I liked it, it was a nice environment and getting to be away from home was a pretty good new experience too.
I was doing pretty well for a year or two but then for some reason I dropped out, I still can't really remember why. Such a shame as I was heading towards a good qualification and a decent job.

Anyways, after dropping out of college I landed myself a job as an office admin assistant for a steel building design & construction company. Nothing exciting, but it paid the bills.
It was around this time that I also got into illegal raves which were and still are one of the biggest parts of me and the reason I am who I am today.

Below is a something I wrote recently on raves... I had intended it to be a full length account of them and why they are so important to me but I just never found the words to finish it, but I think it will fit well into here and is an important piece into the puzzle of the last decade:


----
Yearning, mourning, sadness, longing and desperation. Possibly some of the most apt words to describe my feelings and state of mind right now.
Sitting here now it feels like a fundamental part of me has been ripped away from me, the part responsible for who I am now, the basis on which the biggest lessons and experiences of my life were learnt in the last decade and most of all the part of me that allowed me to be myself with no restrictions, rules, limitations or prejudice.

So, what is it that I mourn for with such longing and desperation?

Raves.

Yes, Raves.

"Whoa, hold on a second" I can imagine you're thinking sitting there. You probably did a double take just to make sure you read that right.
But alas, you made no mistake in reading.
Sounds crazy, doesn't it? The problem is that literally 99.99% of the human population on earth could not and will never be able to fathom it. The experiences and memories I have are so potent and ultimately unique that they simply cannot be conveyed or weighed in any mortal sense just like we could never know the true extent of the horrors of the tales and experiences of soldiers without ever having been there beside them in battle.
It's something that's so deep and fundamental that it just simply transcends any explanation and yet, it's something that's so benign and transparent to the outside observer.

To get a better idea of it all lets' go back in time the best part of a decade ago to me making that simple meaningless routine visit round to a friend's house. As I walked up the drive they were getting ready to go out somewhere and when I enquired as to where they told me that they were going to a rave. "What's a rave?" I asked inquisitively as I was none the wiser.
I should probably point out that up until that point I was totally straight - brought up in a relatively strict house and was well sheltered from things like raves, drugs, smoking, alcohol. For the most part life was very simple and I had never once questioned or strayed outside the boundaries that I had been used to and I'd never had any contact before with drugs or alcohol and was always preached to (albeit rather excessively and exaggeratedly) about the dangers of such things to the point of me believing that if you did drugs you'd most likely die a horrible death so when I enquired into what a rave was to my friends they looked ominously at each other in a sort of disbelief that I didn't know what a rave was and the fact that I was asking them and potentially opening Pandora's box.
After making several expletive glances at each other they explained very tentatively what a rave was, although rather delicately and of course missing out the parts about drugs, police and the illegality surrounding it all, perhaps so my perception of them wasn't lowered at all.
I decided that I'd give it a miss that night as I was really pretty tired and didn't want to be out all night until the next morning so I saw them off and returned home to bed.
And I laid there thinking about this 'rave' that my friends had gone to... Was I missing out? Was there a world out there away from everything I knew? I'd never been out to a club before let alone a rave... The closest I'd ever been to anything like this would have been a meagre birthday party!
It was all unknown territory and the more I thought about it the more questions kept popping into my head and I laid awake for a while before making that defining decision that would shape the course of my life.

That next day was a day I will never forget until the day I die. It started just like any other except my curiosity was a swirling hive of questions and thoughts from the night before. I sent a few texts to my friends asking if they had got back yet and if it would still be going on that day and received a message back saying that they had just got back and were going to get some rest and head back up in the evening and sent one back asking if I could go with them.
I received a reply later that evening at around 7PM which said they were getting ready to leave and I could pop round and head off with them. I collected a few things up and hurried off round to their house where they were getting a few things ready to go.
We all bundled into my mate's car ready to go. Already there was a sense of electricity in the air... A sort of suspense but charged with excitement, anticipation and a state of positive trepidation.
As we drove on to the rave the sky was a swirling wash with colour like those wax painting you make with wax crayons and an iron so all the colours bleed into each other and blend together in a swirling mix of ambience, it was a beautifully perfect warm summers night.
Eventually after about half an hour we got to the party and drove into an old stubble field and into an area with hundreds and hundreds of cars. I could hear a distant thump of a sound system coming from a few fields over and the area was a hive of activity with people buzzing around and the jumbled chatter of dozens of voices. The suspense at this point was intense, there was a definite atmosphere and it felt like it was imbuing every molecule of my body with energy.
After a few minutes we decided to get out and head over to see what was going on but before we could get very far somebody came over and asked us if we wanted any pills (ecstasy). I was utterly shocked, not just at the fact of how casual he was about it but at my friends buying some and I could tell they've done it before. This prompted a whole mix of thoughts from whether I should stop them or whether I was missing out on something. Oh, the dilemma.
Eventually we got to an area with several tents with a sound system in each one. Just as I was about to ask what now my friends took me to one side and gave me one of the pills they bought. They said I could take it if I wanted to but if not then I could give it back later, presumably so I didn't get tempted to buy some random drugs myself. I didn't quite know what to do so I just put it in my wallet and didn't think about it for a while until an hour or so later when the curiosity got the better of me.
The place was heaving with up to a thousand people and there was a mix of music that I'd never even heard before and everyone just seemed to be in different world and I felt like I was sticking out like a sore thumb so I decided I'd give the pill a go.
Some time went by and I found myself getting more and more engulfed by the music as if it was a gradual tidal wave. Eventually I thought I could feel something but then it went away again but then afterwards I felt an immense wave of warmth and energy just pour over me and had the urge to stretch and move around. Eventually I found myself dancing and I didn't even care. For once in my life nothing mattered but the moment and the intense pulsing feeling of energy. I was free, I was open to all and most of all it was great!
Now, one thing about me is that I never do anything by half's. If I ever do anything I do it properly so I went out and tried to find some more pills. Eventually I found a girl who took me to a car with some people selling some pills and bought four for £10. I immediately took another and got back to one of the tents where I stayed for a short while until I could feel the first pill wearing off and took another one thinking that the pills I bought were a bit weak or something. After an hour or so I was reasonably straight again with no hint of the two pills I'd taken previously so I gave it another half hour and got a bit frustrated so I took a third pill.
Well, I tell you what, an hour later I was utterly FUCKED. The feeling was like nothing else on earth! It felt like I was weightless... floating... Everything was alive, even the music! It felt like it was swirling around me like a tornado. I was flying in a sea of warmth, electricity, energy... It's impossible to describe as there's just no word for it! After a while the energy build-up was just too much, I had to get up and dance. It was like somebody had a remote control for my legs, I just couldn't stop it, but that was alright because it felt solo good, dare I say it, better than the best sex ever. It felt like my whole body was having one massive orgasm.
But even more importantly than that I felt completely free of my shell that I've hidden myself away in and it just felt so natural, so right!
Unfortunately though, all good things must come to an end so eventually I left with my friends around dinner time the next day but raves? Well, those were just beginning!

----

Although I said previously that I never had any friends at school and I choose to hide myself away there have been a few people that I am glad to be able to call friends.
Two of those people are the two people in that piece of writing above and there are a couple of others as well, but we all have one thing in common... We all used to go raving together. I know that must sound weird, but we all have a special bond. Sounds ridiculous but when you've experienced the things that we have together you'd understand.

Anyways, going back to where I left off before that, I was at DGT for 2-3 years but office work just isn't me. I need something varied, something out-and-about so I became a taxi driver in the city which I absolutely loved to bits which is very, very strange as it's a people based job and me and people never really used to mix but due to raving I'd developed a side of me which loves working with people, well... SOME people. I stuck at this for about a year or so but came a bit undone due to the amount of hours I was working and the stress involved. Most people just laugh when I say taxi driving is a stressful job but it really is. Your brain has to stay switched on every second of the day and it's mentally draining as well as having to deal with the stress of other drivers and having some arrogant dickhead in the back of your taxi moaning into your ear. Plus the fact of working 6 days a week and racking up around 80-90 hours a week...
Well, I almost lost it big time so I got out and did some temp work for a few farms before coming back into taxi driving for a company outside of the city which was actually fairly laid back.
And, to where I am now. I quit taxi driving a year ago and am looking for a new job.

My outlooks have changed dramatically and due to the situation with the economy, taxi driving just isn't financially viable at the moment for me.
I've recently gone to college to do a few courses, one being a doorman/security guard course which I passed and am now about to send off my application to the SIA for a licence but due to a bit of trouble with the police four years ago I might not be successful.
I'm hopeful though.

Apart from jobs i've had i've done loads of awesome stuff. I've built loads of cool stuff, including whole motorbikes and jet engines, met loads of new awesome people, taken up kayaking, climbed mountains, jumped out of planes, flown through the air on motocross bikes round pro circuits, DJ'ed in clubs in front of thousands of people, gone faster than i ever thought i would (180mph!), done several track days, taken up photography and taken some awesome photos.
Saying them in words on here doesnt do justice to how amazing those things are in terms of feelings though.

It's quite sad actually, looking back. Knowing that I'll never have those special times back again and I'll never experience those feelings.
I'm not into raves anymore and I stopped back in the start of 2007. I also don't drink or take drugs anymore either. It got to a point where it just wasn't worth it, my body had built up such a tolerance that the experience wasn't entirely pleasant.
No matter though, I'm actually quite happy with how things are going and where I'm at now.
I've changed. Alot.
I'm literally the mirror image of who I was at the start of the decade. I've done things I never thought I'd do and experienced things I never thought were possible.
I have everything I want or need and I'm both happy and grateful.
I'm now looking to get myself some qualifications and a decent job for 2010.
I'm hoping to make the next decade a successful and prosperous one!


I feel like I should say something profound... So here goes...

At the end of the day we're all just trying towards the same end but the thing that really matters to each of us is the journey there and the experiences within.
Never stop, try not to look back but always keep your eyes on the horizon and always keep the memories close as for better or worse these are the tools that shape your life and your very essence.

I think that'll do.

In short... 2000-2010.
Regrets? No.
happy? Yes.
Do it all again? YES PLEASE.

Have a very happy Christmas and a successfull 2010.

Current Mood: jubilant
Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
7:27 pm
Managed to recover this from an old .txt file on my old computer.
It is an entry i was beginning to write after the Glastonbury 2007 festival, however i never got round to finishing it.

Here is the entry anyway.







Been a while since i've got back from Glastonbury and i realised i haven't posted on this thing for a while so i thought it'd be a great oppourtunity to get some of my memories down whilst they are still fresh.

Basically for those that don't know what Glastonbury is it is a festival.
Actually, let me rephrase that.

Glastonbury is 'THE' F in festivals.
It's the biggest, largest and BEST outdoor festival in the world. Nothing comes even close to the vastness and variety that it offers.
Anyways, getting tickets for Glasto is a gamble. Thankfully, for once, I had some luck and managed to get through onto the site with only 5 minutes to spare before they all sold out.
Then came the wait. The pre-registrations were in march and the tickets went on sale on April 1'st. The actual festival wasn't till June 22'nd - 25'th, however the gates opened on Wednesday 20'th at 8AM.
During this time a feeling inside me was building. Like an itch that you are unable to scratch, constantly there pestering, itchting, irritating.
I couldn't stop thinking what it would be like. Wild thoughts running through my head every night as i went to bed.

I had my bags packed ready to go for about two weeks leading up to the festival. Every day i unpacked all my stuff, only to pack it away again, ironically to try take my mind off the festival. Eventually the 20'th came.

The festival is held in the Vale of Avalon in Pilton, Sommerset which on any other normal day is a working farm. the journey would be about 240 miles and i allowed myself three and a half hours journey time so i planned to leave around 4-5AM on Wednesday morning.
I resigned myself to bed at around 12 pm to try and get 4 hours sleep before i set off but i tossed and turned only to find myself constantly looking at the clock just wishing to fall asleep, but my body refused to sleep. Eventually after what seemed an eternity i finally managed to fall asleep only to get all of ten minutes sleep before my alarm sounded at 4Am. A feeling of both excitement and fear was about me. All the stories I'd heard, good and bad were filling my mind as it tried to imagine what it was going to be like.
I hastily got dressed and made my way out of the house to my car which i had loaded with my gear the night before in preparation to make a swift departure.
This was it. This was what i've been hoping to experience for the last seven years... Glastonbury.

Cruising along at a steady speed with my iPod churning out random tunes i felt so excited. Surprisingly i never once worried about wether i had forgotten something important in my hasty departure. Maybe it was the fact that i had packed and unpacked my luggage so many times or maybe it was the fact that i didnt really care. Material objects mattered not at this stage. I had two things: Myself and a means to get to Glastonbury. Everything else was just a mere convienience. Other than my ticket, obviously.
Thankfully for the journey time had mercy on me and passed relatively quickly, which was handy after my little 'accidental' detour. Heading up the M4 it was clear that i was not alone. BBC Sound vans, Camper vans, caravans and cars with luggage and camping gear piled up in the back were making all their way to our shared destination.
Although i knew the way i decided to follow a car with a very prominent sign reading "This way to Glasto" sign in the back window.
After another 45 minutes or so we finally got directed by some very lovely smiley people down a track into parking area E16.
from here i geared up and set on my way into the festival.

I have to confess at this point that i have never been to a festival in my entire life. And that caused a problem.
The problem was that i had loaded pretty much my entire wardrobe, bathroom and most of the kitchen into 3 bags which i was trying to carry... And failing hopelessly. It was only untill i neared the festival i actually realised the vastness of it all. Standing on the hill that lead down to the main entrance i could see up to the stone circle and across to the pyramid stage. Of course, there was still a lot more that i couldn't see but at this stage i started to get a bit daunted with the scale of my undertaking. However, i continued on my way and after many breaks i finally made it to the main entrance. Passing through i got my wristband and programme and continued into the festival. coming into the festival i was totally lost. Looking at my booklet didn't help matters much so i asked a steward where the closest camping site was. He directed me to a camping side alongside 'Muddy Lane'. Walking into the camping field i stumbled across the thing that has been the bane of festival goers since time began - the toilets. The longdrops had already started to create somewhat of a satanish smell. Back came all the memories of stories on the net i had read regarding the state of toilets after a few days. After a moments pause to ponder on the toileting arrangements i decided i would resign that bridge for when i needed to cross it.
Eventually i could not carry on no further so i got off the track and found a nice space on a bit of a hill where i decided it would be suitable to set up camp. I had been keeping an eye on the weather for weeks up untill the festival, but with mixed reports i decided it would be best to take no chances and opted for high ground on an elevation. The weather at this stage, however was ideally pleasant, and although i am not completely religious i was praying to whatever god would listen to have mercy on us and bring us beautiful skies and sunshine. For the moment at least, all was well so i got to work and pitched up my tent, inflated my airbed and set about getting some sausages on the go.
I've only camped on two occasions in the past and both of which were somewhat... unpleasant, however after setting up camp and sitting in the lovely sunshine with my little gas stove on the go i was very content. I even thought i could happily live like it. Not a care in the world, not a single bother or strife. Monday seemed so far away - it felt like i was in perpetual heaven.

After cooking up some hotdogs i decided i'd go for a wander and see what was about. I walked just round the corner to the main pyramid stage, which at this time was still being set up so i had a little peruse around the many very random stalls. Eventually i ended up at the other stage and dance village. By this time i had a call from a mate who informed me that he had set up camp on Pennards Hill and made a very convincing job of getting me to move my tent down by his. By this time i was already totally shattered from the day's events and it took most of my energy to get back to my tent where i paused for a few minutes before packing it all away and trekking off down to Pennards Hill. Once my tent was up and my airbad inflated i crashed out for a couple of hours with the programme and several bottles of Magners cider.
By this time it was getting on for tea time so i unpacked the gas stove and make a little dinner for me and my friend. Partly refreshed from the days tiresome efforts i decided i would go and have a random wander round for the rest of the evening before calling it a night.

Having had some time to digest the day's findings i realised just how far i was from imagining what it was going to be like. it was bigger than any of my expectations. Way bigger.
it struck me as being a bit like a town with all the shops and bars lined up.
However, i might have thought it was big at this stage, but i was only just getting started.




That is where the original entry ended. I will attempt to finish it at another time.
Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
12:15 am
Well, that's that.
Well it's almost over.
Only another 50 minutes to go before it all officially returns to normal mode.

This Christmas has been quite a pleasant one this year for which i am thankfull. Amongst everything that i've got going on around me i dont think i could have coped with another family breakdown at christmas for another year running.
Somehow everyone has managed to remain unusually placid and calm over the last month. Quite surprised really. It's like for once the whole family has made a group effort to come together for one day, which has cheered me up alot. I've had good vibes leading up to christmas this year and lots of energy. It's nice not to be let down.

Feeling quite sad that christmas has practically gone already. The family will no doubt soon be reduced to its normal state of arguments and yelling at each other, but for now i dont really care. I'm just happy that for one day we have managed to be something that for the normal 364 days in the year is unmanageable:- we are a family.


Here is a song that i havent been able to get out of my head this whole christmas.

Chipz - Christmas time is here

Christmas Time Is Here - Chipz

Genre/Lang. : Dance

The snow is deep outside
I'm one here with you
By the fireplace
This gift I give you
Some people are so far apart
This special time of year
The luckey ones are you and I
'Cause Christmas time is here

I wish they know our dreams came true
I wait till find the Wonderland
I've waited almost all the year
To have you near
Now Christmas time is here
I wish for all the stars to shine
To have to send an angel of mine
Now magical my prayers were answered
Now it's clear
That Christmas time is here

Friends are all around
Let's take a sleigh ride
Gifts under the tree
The stars are so bright
Some people are so far apart
This special time of year
The luckey ones are you and I
'Cause Christmas time is here

I wish they know our dreams came true
I wait till find the Wonderland
I've waited almost all the year
To have you near
Now Christmas time is here
I wish for all the stars to shine
To have to send an angel of mine
Now magical my prayers were answered
Now it's clear
That Christmas time is here

All I want is what I see
Us together for eternity
It's such a special time of year
Now Christmas time is here

I wish they know our dreams came true
I wait till find the Wonderland
I've waited almost all the year
To have you near
Now Christmas time is here
I wish for all the stars to shine
To have to send an angel of mine
Now magical my prayers were answered
Now it's clear
That Christmas time is here

That Christmas time is here
Sunday, December 24th, 2006
2:43 pm
It's about that time again
Sooo, here i am again. Sitting here once more looking back on the year gone past.

I say it every year, but this year has gone soooo fast. So quick that i've not had a chance to keep up with it. I had alot of things i was wanting to do this year but havent got round to it, Although its not been that bad because on the other hand i've done ALOT of things that i wasnt expecting and although the year didnt get off to a very good start it's turned out to be one of the best years of my life.

This month especially has been pretty good. Usually for me christmas is a time where my family argues and fights and sit around on christmas day not speaking to each other and generally being a complete depressing time at what should be the one time of the year for everyone to get along and be happy.
This year so far its all gone hitch-free and i've been really happy and chirpy. Hopefully the family can hold out till the end of christmas!

Things are certainly changing for me. Obviously, that's inevetable but i can feel it. I've started to be able to understand where some of my mixed up feelings are coming from and why i've been so depressed latley. Although i'm not going to go into it, i think that in due time all should be okay.

As for the year and recent events it's been fucking excellent as far as my years go. As i said earlier, off to a shaky start at the end of the year but then picking up again when a road trip was organised to scotland and wales.
Then came the UKTek festival which was absoloutley fucking mental.
Although i havent done many 'big' things this year it's been all the little things that have made it so great.
Also last week i passed my forlift licenses so hopefully i can manage to get myself a job in the new year!!
I hope i can because i need to start saving up some money for Glastonbury Festival!!! Like hell am i missing that!!

Anyways, just a quick update.
I hope that anyone that reads this is well and good and i hope that your having a great christmas and best of luck in the new year!

Follow your dreams.
With every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around. Sieze the moment. Love life and most imporantly, love yourself and those around you.
Friday, September 1st, 2006
11:53 pm
Periodic update
Again, it's been a while since i've updated and yet still not really any change from usual things i feel i need to write something.

(please bear with me... had a few drinks, very emotional... Finding words hard to come by)

Coming up to almost a year on the unemployment front which as enjoyable as it is, is beginning to become seriously tedious on the financial side of things.
It's not that i dont want to work - I think its more of one of my issues regarding self-doubt. I think that what is holding me back is fear of rejection and faliure.
What i mean by that is i'm afraid i'll be in a situation where i'm in a job and completly screw it up and look like a complete retard. Everyone wants to do well in whatever they do, but as capable as i may be there is always my overiding self-doubt issue.
So far i've been going under the cover that companies are not interested in me - Yet again one of my self-doubting issues. To be honest, i havent actually been doing fuck all in actually trying to find work.

I'm finding it really hard to describe the issue but it's basically i'm scared of what people think of me and i always belive that i'm a complete failiure.


I'm finding it hard to continue this post so i will leave it for now... I will finish it when i can think about it more. It's something i have to get out of me...
Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
3:27 am
Been feeling a little wierd lately.
Dunno what it is exactly that has been putting me off a little but i feel like i'm getting a little closer to discovering whatever it is.

Recently i've finally begun to understand a few issues i've had in my head for a while latley as well as finally starting to make my mind up about decisions i need to start making in my life.
The person who i am at the moment isnt really the person i want to be, or the person i feel most comfortable with. This might be the reason as to why i havent been very successfull in getting a job or deciding which jobs i'd like to go for.
Latley i think i've been making things up to be what i want to see them to be rather than to what they need to be to function correctly in my life.
It's been a long time coming for me to change my attitude, and hopefully it will provide me a perfect chance to start over when we move house in two weeks time.
Saturday, June 17th, 2006
2:47 am
First post from my bed
Wheeee.
First post from my bed - Finally got my laptop working after much hassle.

The last two weeks have been pretty mad.
A while ago i got a letter saying that a place had been reserved by the Jobcentre for me on a Gateway to Work course provided by Bennington's Training Services ltd.
At first i thought it was just going to be a morning spent talking with someone regarding my options of work and going over my C.V and whatnot but when i arrived i found out that it was actually a two week course i was attending.
I wasnt too happy i might add.

Anyways i felt a bit on edge suddenly being thrown into a room with 14 other people again. I instantly began to hate it right from the start and didnt really give much thought to it.
Basically the stuff that was covered were things like interview techniques, letter writing, C.V's and various things regarding work - both applying and being in work.

Although i hated it at the start it started to get alot bette by the first wednesday. I'd started to get on with most of the people there and was having quite a good laugh. The staff there were pretty good too.

Kinda glad i got put on that course really. Latley i've been spending far too much time holed up sitting on my computer immersed in World of Warcraft or some game of the like kind. Actually having to make the effort of getting up at 7:30 each morning and getting out and meeting and talking to people has actually made me feel alot better and have realised that there's no need to be afraid to get out and about and meet new people.
We got on pretty good so we've all got each other's details and will be contacting each other soon to meet up. Hopefully now i can finally start to get out and about and maybe get the confidence to find a girlfriend soon...

Time will tell.
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
9:42 pm
Feeling a tad emotional
ARGH!

Feels like i am actually going to cry.
All i can think about is the Uktek at the weekend. I just wanna go back.
Of course, it had finished now but i dont care.
Just to be there one more time and stand where i danced. I will still feel the energy lingering.
My mind creating ghosted images of hundreds of happy people dancing to the music.
The faint beat of the soundsystems will once more be heard in my head.
The feeling of extasy and happiness running through my veins once more.
Just to stand there and think about the fantastic time i had.

I never want to loose the feelings and memories i have now, but i know its only a matter of time before it does slowly fade away - forever.

Life is so unfair sometimes.
The way i feel now i want to scream and shout out loud. I dont know why, for it wouldnt do any good.

I really want to write down the way i feel, but i cant. I dont even understand the way i feel which is why i never want to loose it.
I think for once i've realised what real happiness is.

It just feels like i've left it 400 miles away.

I cant write anymore.
This is the first time in many years that i have had tears in my eyes.

Current Mood: sad
Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
11:49 pm
What an amazing weekend!
sitting here currently saddened that such a brilliant, if not one of the best weekends of my life has gone.
But it will certainly not be forgotten.

I've been meaning to do something a little bit spontaneous and off-the ball for a while now and this weekend gave me a fantastic chance to do just that. Some of my friends are calling me crazy.
I call it living life.

The weekend started fairly standard with a normal day saturday leading into the usual saturday night time ringing the party lines on my phone to find out any information of raves in the local area.
Got to about 12/1am and i finally got the location of an event near Fakenham.
Headed off there and stayed for a few hours before getting a bit cheesed off.

I'd also heard earlier in the week of a Uktek festival happening somewhere in the west / south west around bristol area. I instantly dismissed the idea for it sounding a bit of a chore. Bristol being around 300+ miles away, and since a rave was going to be going closer it seemed a bit impractical.

Anyways i was sitting in my car at the rave and i was thinking how raves used to be when i first started.
They used to be such a rush. The feeling of the energy from seeing so many happy people - Happy, friendly people.
People you could go and talk to about anything and everything. People that you could relate to and connect with without even knowing them.
Used to be such an amazing feeling as i have never really been the social type and never have had any sort of social skills.
Also the great thing was back then noone really knew who i was so i could get on and enjoy myself without having people that i know around me all the time, which isnt always a bad thing but most of the time i find it nicer to just be able to go somewhere and have fun by myself and not having to worry about anything. Not even myself...
Eventually my brain started filling up with images of festivals of raves gone by and how much fun i used to have. Then i realised what i have wanted for so long. I realised what i have been missing all this time.
Latley i have been under the impression that raves have been getting duller - either through lack of organisation from the organisers or just through the people attending, but then it clicked - What i have been waiting for all this time was two things...
challenge and adventure
It isnt that raves have gone shit it's more of a case that it's just habbit now - it's just another ordinary weekend out of the 52 in a year.
Maybe i'll take one off i thought to myself.

So a plan was devised. I straight away went and saw three of my mates and put forward a plan to travel down to the Uktek festival.
Everyone agreed that it sounded like a blast.

I was giving some thought early on saturday night to going down on my own but i was lacking the money for petrol so company was needed.

Instantly the adventure was on. We got in the cars and drove off and met up in Norwich and set off.
I don't know what i was thinking - maybe i wasnt. The idea and feeling of uktek now was so strong it was imbedded into my brain and not anyone anywhere could have stopped me.

It was going to be a long journey. Originally it was planned to be hosted in Bristol, but we later found out that we were going to have to trek down to Cornwall.
So ensused the seven and a half hour drive to our destination - Davidstow moor off the A395 near Camelford, Cornwall.

Upon arival it was apparent that there was going to be some disruption to plans because the police had blocked off every entrance leading to or near the site.
Turned off onto the A39 from the A395 and headed down past more entrances blocked by the police. This was not going to be a simple mission.
Eventually we came to a road with cones and a road closed sign across it - but no police car parked there. We took the chance like an invitation and with no hesitation barged past the cones and forward to what we were hoping victory in our quest for a Uktek festival.
As we went down the little road we past many people trying to travel into the site on foot. These were dedicated ravers who must have already travelled miles on foot from their cars parked back up the road a considerable distance away. They instantly recongised us as ravers and stopped us to point us in the right direction.
Unfortunatley our journey was brought to an abrupt halt by another police block further up the road.
They told us that there was no way we were getting the car into the rave, however if we chose to walk there was nothing they could do to stop us so we found a little car park a distance away where we parked up and set off on a walk down a track that led into some woods by a lake.
A lake with the final destination on the other side, so we set off on what must have ended up to be at least a one and a half hour walk to get into the site.
as the music got louder and louder so did our haste. We were not stopping. Not now.

Eventaully we made it out of another set of woods and emerged at the end of what must have been a world war 2 airfield on the moors. Walking up the strip we passed hundreds, even thousands of people who had come from far and wide to come together just for two days and have a brilliant time.
Eventually we got to the top end having passed at least 16 different soundsystems.
We came to the conclusion that there was no way this rave was going to be enjoyed fully unless the car was in the site.
So off we went on a walk around the perimiter of the site looking for any entrances or an openings that we could get the car through. as time went on it was clear that this would be extremley difficult and i was getting quite stressed. We all walked back to the car pondering on what possible methods of entry could be of use.
When back at the little car park an idea was mused upon regarding taking my car through a gate that lead onto the moors and a pretty steep hill leading round the woods and into the site.
I voiced my concerns that everyone was beeing somewhat optimistic that a) my car would make it up such a steep hill b) that we would be able to get it across the wet fields on the other side.

As it turned out i was right.
Spent about two to three hours with three of us using all our energy to try and push the car up the hill because it couldnt get any traction at all on the wet grass. Eventually we got it down the other sideand found that we actually couldnt navigate the many mounds and rocks in the way.
So started our mission to get the car back up the hill again...

The next plan was to drive around and find every little road possible that might have fields or anything we could drive across to enter the site.
Eventually we found a very dodgy looking muddy track leading into a network of fields, which if done right would have taken us into the site.
Again our plans were foiled - not by the lay of the land but instead by two farmers chasing up the track after us in tractors.
Not too please too, i might add.

Leaving EXTREMELY hastilly we retreated to nearby layby for a final strategy. By this time anything was game. No chance had i came all this way for something i had been longing for so long and having to just turn away.
As we were sitting there several police cars drove by - This was our chance: the police were changing shifts.
I sped off down the road and i was right. An entrance that led straight to the event had been left unguarded expect by a road closed sign and cones - i didnt even need a moment to think about it. Drove straight past and up the road.
We were initially dismayed to see more police at the top of the road but quickly eyed up the large area off grass next to the track they were guarding. I let my mate take the chance to drive across the field next to the police and to victory.
Standing back across the field i watched as the car got stuck - At this point the police were watching and instantly knew what was afoot. Luckily a group of fellow ravers came to aid and pushed the car back into motion for its final leg of its arduous journey.

We parked the car over by the main area and took a moment to rest.
The realisation that we had finally made it brought a huge feeling of relif to me and all of a sudden i lightened up and realised that what i had been wanting for a long time was finally here.

The time was now.

Or so it was on sunday.
Sitting here now i feel content that i have finally come to realise what has been biting away at me for so long. I had a great time at the Uktek. Danced loads, had a great time, met lots and lots of awesome people and most of all i have got some feelings and memories that hopefully will last a lifetime.
the experience itself cannot possibly be described. Alot of people would never understand either. But then, if everyone did it wouldnt be so special.

All in all it went pretty well. The drive home was pretty easy.

Just have to wait for the next one to come along.

live for the moment.

Current Mood: sad
Monday, March 27th, 2006
10:07 pm
Random Ramblings
Well. Havent posted for a while and i'm in a pretty chirpy mood tonight so here i go...

As i mentioned a few weeks ago i got into a little trouble with the old police.
Got stopped with a little bit of contraband shall i say.
Anyways, turned up to the North Walsham Police station on Monday March 20'th as ordered to do so and recieved my Caution and got a ticking off by the sergeant.
Basically i gotta be extremely carefull over the next five years.

Not heard anything regarding the accident i had back in december which could be good... Or bad..
Got a new car since then anyways. Nissan Primera 1.6LX 16v Twin Cam. Beasty little thing. Does the job alright.

Had a super super weekend. Went to a party in Tuddenham near Cavenham, Suffolk just off the A11.
Was a great party. Best rave i've been to in a long time. First outdoor rave of the year too.
Warmest night of the year which is a bonus considering it's been near freezing temperatures recently. Nice to be able to rave in a shirt in warm weather again too. When the morning came i was pleased again by the nice warm sunshine. Reminds me of the old days raving.
Roll on next weekend!
Thought i think i'll be taking it a little bit easier next weekend because right now i can barely walk because my legs are so tired :-).
Oh well. Least i had a banging time!

All for now :-D

Current Mood: Chilled
Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
2:50 pm
Reet. Havent posted for a while.

Surprised i havent posted anything on here about my little encounter on Jan. 28'th with the police. Might as well put it down for future reference...

Basically after a chilled out night at our usual beach, me and my mate Paul and Annie decided to go to Felmingham Heath for a little R&R. Only trouble is that during our little mash up sesion the old bill came on the scene and realised we were there. Of course they knew we were up to something so they used the old excuse that the area is used for drug dealing e.t.c and they'd have to search us for illegal items.
Of course being the normal twat i am i had 9 pills and a small quantity of MDMA on me...
So i got carted off down North Walsham police station where i proceeded to spend 4-5 hours in a cell.
One thing i didnt realise is that when you are caught with class A. drugs nowadays you get your house/permises searched. That didn't go down to well with m parents who were having their house searched at 3am Monday morning... :-/
My dad dosent know that i sometimes dabble in a bit of recreational actvity. Luckily I managed to dodge a bullet there by making up a brlliant excuse which he actually believed.
Anyway in regards to the above incident i'm currently waiting for the C.P.S (Crown Prossecution Service) to make a decision as to what will happen. It might be that i get a caution or there is a fair chance it could go to court and i could get a fine or community service or something of the like kind.
trying to stay positive that i get a caution.

I guess that's all for now.
Saturday, December 31st, 2005
1:30 am
This is the fourth time in the last half hour i've attempted a post, and this is really the only one that i can create.
I've been sitting here with the lights off for the last three hours reflecting back on 2005 and the times i've had. I want to somehow write down my thoughts but seem incapable.
I've done alot of things that i would never thought i would do, and have met some pretty amazing people.
Having said that i've done a few things that i'm not really too proud about and i've said a few things that i shouldnt. Also a few things have happened which i wish i could go back and change, but as they say - 'It's history',
The last year has really taught me a good lesson in life and i can also go as far to say that it has changed my life.

I usually sit around and wallow in the past but for once i'm going to look into the future and try and set some goals to achieve.
The ultimate goal i hope i can obtain is getting a job pretty soonish. I'm looking at becoming a paramedic but i need something to tide me over untill then.
Apart from a job the next goal at the top of the list is to move out and get a place with a flatmate. I've been wanting to move out for a very long time now, and i think i'm ready. I just need the funds.
One of my problems is that i never seem to have anything fun to look forward to, so me and a few friends are hopefully planning a sponsored parachute jump which should prove to be entertaining. I'm also looking at doing a bungee jump as i am able to collect 4 tickets from a reward scheme.
I'm planning to have it large in 2006 by hopefully saving up to have it large in Ibiza for two weeks too!
I'm picking up pretty good vibes for 2006, i just hope it dosent dissapoint.

As this may be the last chance i get before NYE, i'd just like to say that i hope you've all had a good Christmas and i wish you all well for the New Year.

Now go kick ass!
Thursday, December 29th, 2005
12:00 am
Today, the 29'th of December 2005 i am now 20....

That's fucking scary.

Happy Birthday me!
Sunday, December 25th, 2005
1:56 am
The day is here once again

Well here we are. It's finally Christmas once more.


I'd just like to wish you all a Happy Christmas and hope that your day proves to be a good one.


Today i hope that we can all reflect on the year gone past and also give a thought for those of us who are without the modern day luxuries that we take for granted. Also spare a thought for the victims of the Asian tsunami victims whose lives were devastated last boxing day. For many this will be the first of many Christmases without their loved ones.


My thoughts are with the families of those who still have relatives missing.



=EDIT=
Something i posted on Christmas day back in 2003. I'd just like to post it again.

"And as for christmas...I don't look upon christmas as stories of a baby who turned out in time to be this 'name' that everyone talks about that we have all known to become jesus, but rather as a time to reflect on the year gone past, and as time to get together with friends and family, to love and to cherish what we have, even if it is so little. It's a time to realise what a fragile place we live in, and we have to care for one another, for no-one wants to be alone.
Christmas is neither about presents, but rather to be grateful that people are thinking about you, no matter however little.

We are getting older every minute, so let's not worry about presents or gifts, jesus or religion, but rather lets share what we have that makes this world so special - And that is our love."
Saturday, December 24th, 2005
12:52 am
24'th of December - How did it get here so fast.

I'm kinda beginning to see why people always complain that life is too short. This year has gone even quicker than any other. Impossible to describe quite how quick it felt for me, but it sure is scary as hell!

Feeling pretty depressed the last week or two. Doesnt in any way feel like christmas anymore. We havent even got any decorations up in the house. Just a few cards laying around to remind you that the 'festive' season is here once more.
As i havent had a job i havent even been able to afford any Christmas cards or presents this year. The only thing i can offer is an apology. Feels like i've really neglected Christmas this year, and i know that when it's over i'm going to be pissed off that i havent even made an effort.

I don't usually take up on new year's resoloutions, because i have the belief that if it's something worth making a resoloution for then it's obviously something kida important, and if it's important then why not do it straight away and stop being lazy.
But, since we are practically upon the new year then i guess i may as well go for a few changes.

Words are thin tonight, so i may come back and edit this later. Least i've actually written something which helps.
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